I had an awesome and overwhelming decision to make. And yet I already knew in my heart what the ‘right’ answer was.
But I was afraid. It was one of those moments that I had always imagined would be a “someday” thing… and here it was so unexpectedly, so quickly – staring me in the face. Really? Today I have a stable role in this bakery… tomorrow I will be setting off to build from scratch something that I’ve only dreamed of doing? This isn’t supposed to be ‘someday’ yet! Wait… I can’t really do this… can I?
I was afraid of making this move. But at the same time I wanted it more than anything else… and it needed to happen sooner than later. I had so many unanswered questions. I wanted this to be easy. I wanted it to be a simple task. But it felt quite complicated.
I can’t. But He can – through me.
My dad asked me to pray about it – and pray I did! I had to leave shortly after our conversation to go and pick my mom up from a friend’s house and drive her to an appointment. I remember driving down the road, praying out loud. Telling God about my fears, my concerns, my questions, my desires.
(From my journal – November 26th, 2013)
“I want this so much… but I’m afraid of stepping out into the unknown to see it happen. Part of me wants to run away from this whole idea… and another part of me wants to take the blind-leap, by faith…”
“He knows everything. He understands.”
“Something Gourmet <the bakery> cannot be my security blanket, until The Country Muffin succeeds. I cannot tightly hold onto both, and wait for the one that I love most to prosper. I need to let go of one, so that I can be free to fully have the other. I am enjoying this <the bakery> (truly), but it is slowly burning me out. And I find less and less fulfillment in the work behind the scenes.”
“I pray for a friend <referring to a young man our family knew at the time>, who is seeking a job. He asks for money, when Father is waiting to pour out a blessing too great to receive. He asks for breadcrumbs, when Father has prepared a feast. And this is me too – God is asking me not to simply seek to survive. He wants me to thrive – but I must trust Him for more than I can see. So I will rest. I will seek Him with my whole heart. I will trust Him.”
As Nancy Leigh DeMoss says in her book Choosing Gratitude, “I can’t say that I’m there yet, but that is where I want to live. The grateful heart that springs forth in joy is not acquired in a moment; it is the fruit of a thousand choices…”
And like gratitude is a choice – that may involve choosing and not feeling the first 1,000 times… so is faith, and trusting. It is saying “I will go” as Abraham did – and setting out.
I was still uncertain. I felt completely and totally unsure of where to start, what to do, and how to go about this. I had nothing. And yet I had everything.
But at this moment I never could have imagined what God would show me next… that would change my entire outlook on life, and the future ahead.